conventional (or not).

conventional does not necessitate boring. nor does it require lengthy conversations that never come to an end. 

conventional also does not require a laid-out plan that is never tweaked, never re-evaluated, nor allowed to be changed.

i am not conventional. and i am okay with that. i want adventure. i want constantly revolving doors that allow me to find what truly makes me happy.

my path has been far from conventional.

from high school band nerd to president of everything at a university where i also earned a degree in graphic design. my passion for the student body there led me to pursue a masters degree in educational administration (for student affairs administration) where i had the opportunity to plan programs/events for anywhere from 10 to 25,000 people. an economy that wasn’t so hot left me with a masters degree and a measly manager position in retail. (an actually enjoyable experience that was fulfilling at the time).

and then came a great opportunity… to begin teaching adjunct courses at texas state technical college to developmental (remedial) mathematics students that ranged in age from 17-75. it was an experience that strengthened me, provided me with challenges, and most of all, helped to enrich and change the lives of so many students. thankfully, i was able to come on board full-time and allow my energy to be focused on making things better for the students and for the community. 

(i miss it).

as now i find myself (with a bachelors degree and a masters degree and a decent amount of experience in a variety of pursuits) in a position where i am treated like a glorified assistant. i scored a perfect score on the writing portion of the GRE… i don’t need your help to proof each and every one-inch advertisement.

for goodness sakes, i am smart. i am capable. and (last i checked) i am creative. 

i’m worn out on this. worn out on paying for an education i loved obtaining and yet get no acknowledgement of. 

(i think it’s time for a long-term adventure club… to become a recluse… or to simply learn to take it in stride) - to which i say, thank you to my doctor for realizing my anxiety and providing me with medication to keep me going.

who says you have to be conventional? far from it. and learning to (try to) love it.

does it work out?

we make decisions. we tell ourselves that they will work out. they will be for the best. 

(but what if they’re not)? what if we make a decision and find out we were happier on the other side? what if we realize that what we walked away from embodied true passion? 

and now we find ourselves sitting behind two computer screens day in and day out. desperate for the seconds to pass. desperate for the clock to hit 5:00. desperate to be away from the place that was supposed to work out. the place that was supposed to be the best decision. 

what do we do then? where do we go? when it’s not giving up… but when it’s realizing that this decision has now cost us true passion? 

well i cross my fingers and hope for a new opportunity. and sunlight to cut through the bitter cold. and take my chances at jumping in the car and driving down the highway. 

a blessing.

my mother sent me a package this past week. a simple package. a card. and a lap-quilt she handmade for me. both were gorgeous. and both made me smile. and made tears come to my eyes. the card had a great message. letting go… it’s not about giving up (which is how i had been viewing it), but instead it’s about ‘making room in your life and in your heart for something new.’

i am making room for new things. through the heartache. i am carving out space for those things i used to love and had forgotten about. i am remembering that escapades are fun. that i know how to have a good (even great) time with people i hardly know. that i am full of desire. full of greatness. and full of so much that so many want to be a part of.

in the past week and a half i have been blessed. with friends who have stood by my side. with friends who have held me up. held me as i fell apart. and held me as i danced my heart out. new friends who have held me in moments i never thought i would be a part of. new friends who have taken me swimming at midnight in my underwear. new friends and old friends who have treated me with more respect than i remembered i was worth.

this is a blessing. i am worth it. and for anyone else out there. you are worth it. you are worth so much more than you may imagine. you deserve to be treated like a lady. like a woman (or a gentleman). you deserve to be lifted up. to have a shirt buttoned for you. or dress unzipped. you deserve to be offered breakfast. you deserve to have your door opened. you deserve everything. (as long as you’re willing to offer it all back to the other person).

friendships. relationships. they are all two way streets. and that is what makes them magical. they require communication. they require commitment. and they require a true desire. and when that is in place. they are simply a blessing.

fairy dust.

the process of ‘getting ready’ to move is beyond me.

i am the type of person who feels like moving requires me to organize everything in my life.

(especially given the idea that this time around moving means less space).

but. as you may imagine. this creates disaster. my living room currently resembles a playroom that has not been picked up in weeks. 

(this is taking me to the edge). 

we won’t even throw in the additional pieces of life that are being thrown at me right now. 

can i sprinkle magic fairy dust over my life?