certain (hell).

most of today feels like a certain kind of hell. maybe it’s the fact i couldn’t sleep last night. or the fact that my shoulder/neck is hard as a rock (and in pain). or maybe it’s simply the fact that as a (fairly) well-accomplished woman i am consistently treated like a secretary. 

i swear. i didn’t go to higher-ed for the better half of my twenties and receive two degrees (bachelors in graphic design and masters in educational administration) to be treated like i have no brain.

this is the reason people lose their minds. the reason they drink. and the reason they take adderall to stay awake and ambien to stay asleep.

thank goodness for pharmaceuticals.

down.hill.

today. one of those days where you think it’s going to be good (great even). 

you wake up in time to shower. you find a cute outfit to wear. (you think) your makeup looks better than usual. the hair is doing alright. you even make it out of the house in time to stop for your beloved (coffee). 

and then it starts. and you remember it’s monday. no wonder it went downhill so quickly. 

lifetime movie. online.

a friend talked me into something crazy the other day. she talked me into joining the world of online dating. (yes, i know… what was i thinking?)

enter what could be the beginning of a terrifying lifetime movie… otherwise known as my online dating life.

gorgeous guy (in photos) matchmails girl. girl replies so as to be nice. guy takes that as a commitment and begins to call girl his girlfriend in texts/mail. girl begins to get worried.

gorgeous guy (in photos) has his friend (who may just be same guy with a different photo) matchmail the girl. she responds not knowing the connection. friend begins to email constantly. as in 4 times an hour. 

girl quits correspondence with both for the most part. gorgeous guy begins calling every night. girl ignores calls. gorgeous guy texts and emails girl constantly. 

messages begin to take on frightening tone at which point girl blocks both guys and reports them to company.

(gorgeous guy keeps texting and tells girl she ‘should go get a makeover because [his] dog is better looking’ and that ‘ur a player and ur mommy and daddy still tells u what to do grow up. ur not all that cute trust me get over ur self.’)

girl laughs to herself. and with her friends. guy should probably learn how to spell and write.

she then crosses her fingers that guy will walk away and not become the stabbing stalker from vegas.

he will have a new clutch.

I’m an open person. But I’m also a person who knows to be cautious once in awhile.

That’s why when a guy says he loves you after one time of hanging out without any hanky panky, the reasonable woman inside says, oh he doesn’t know what he’s saying… But then the wishful woman inside starts hoping. Maybe he did know what he was talking about. Maybe this will be it. Maybe he might be in love with me… Yeah right.

Quit getting your hopes up. He will have a new clutch soon enough. And he will break the news by saying, ‘I’m off the market’ on social media. (At this point, look at self in mirror and remind self that you’re better than an ‘I’m off the market’ remark and that any man that says he loves you too early isn’t really worth it). Imagine how many other women he might come to love in the future if that’s all it takes… One to walk in the room.

Good luck. I’ll be watching for the next one to fall.

conventional (or not).

conventional does not necessitate boring. nor does it require lengthy conversations that never come to an end. 

conventional also does not require a laid-out plan that is never tweaked, never re-evaluated, nor allowed to be changed.

i am not conventional. and i am okay with that. i want adventure. i want constantly revolving doors that allow me to find what truly makes me happy.

my path has been far from conventional.

from high school band nerd to president of everything at a university where i also earned a degree in graphic design. my passion for the student body there led me to pursue a masters degree in educational administration (for student affairs administration) where i had the opportunity to plan programs/events for anywhere from 10 to 25,000 people. an economy that wasn’t so hot left me with a masters degree and a measly manager position in retail. (an actually enjoyable experience that was fulfilling at the time).

and then came a great opportunity… to begin teaching adjunct courses at texas state technical college to developmental (remedial) mathematics students that ranged in age from 17-75. it was an experience that strengthened me, provided me with challenges, and most of all, helped to enrich and change the lives of so many students. thankfully, i was able to come on board full-time and allow my energy to be focused on making things better for the students and for the community. 

(i miss it).

as now i find myself (with a bachelors degree and a masters degree and a decent amount of experience in a variety of pursuits) in a position where i am treated like a glorified assistant. i scored a perfect score on the writing portion of the GRE… i don’t need your help to proof each and every one-inch advertisement.

for goodness sakes, i am smart. i am capable. and (last i checked) i am creative. 

i’m worn out on this. worn out on paying for an education i loved obtaining and yet get no acknowledgement of. 

(i think it’s time for a long-term adventure club… to become a recluse… or to simply learn to take it in stride) - to which i say, thank you to my doctor for realizing my anxiety and providing me with medication to keep me going.

who says you have to be conventional? far from it. and learning to (try to) love it.

broken.sentences

i trust. i hope. i believe. (i write in broken sentences to relieve my mind).

and then i get hurt. i see the best in people. see what can be. see who they want to be (or who they say they want to be). 

but the problem is that is not who they are. because i believe too fully. because i trust too fully. hope too fully. 

life is a mixture of emotions, highs and lows. moments of good. and moments of bad. and right now, i am ready for 2012 to be over. ready for a new year. 

the journey from texas to missouri has been wild. i miss the life i knew. the life i had. the space i had.

missouri has left me with a cold wind and a house in shambles. boxes from texas left packed as there has been no time to unpack. a mother in the hospital at times. a grandmother in and out of the hospital. another grandmother in and out of the hospital. and a christmas eve that feels nothing like christmas eve.

it was right for me to return to missouri. i do not doubt this. but i miss texas everyday. and my heart hurts. and i find myself counting down the minutes til the end of each day.

in six days i will be twenty-eight. and the new year will be upon us. so i continue to hope. continue to believe. continue to trust… that there will be good. that this is good. and that people can be good. 

does it work out?

we make decisions. we tell ourselves that they will work out. they will be for the best. 

(but what if they’re not)? what if we make a decision and find out we were happier on the other side? what if we realize that what we walked away from embodied true passion? 

and now we find ourselves sitting behind two computer screens day in and day out. desperate for the seconds to pass. desperate for the clock to hit 5:00. desperate to be away from the place that was supposed to work out. the place that was supposed to be the best decision. 

what do we do then? where do we go? when it’s not giving up… but when it’s realizing that this decision has now cost us true passion? 

well i cross my fingers and hope for a new opportunity. and sunlight to cut through the bitter cold. and take my chances at jumping in the car and driving down the highway.